When I Couldn't Find the Words I Needed

There's one scene that I remember so clearly. I was already in school, so it probably wasn't at the beginning when I first started, although I spoke very little English. Probably I spoke a few words because Lydia had preceded me in school and probably took it upon herself to teach me a few words. We didn't have a TV. We had a radio, but all we listened to I think was Spanish radio and maybe music.

So I really didn't speak English and we had no ESL teachers or services at the time. I do remember one day wanting to speak to the teacher because I couldn't tie the bow in my hat and all I remember is like sounds coming out of my mouth, trying to say, "Can you help me with this? " I was in first grade. I missed kindergarten, but this was in first grade. I should mention I missed kindergarten because my mother, we lived in this fifth-floor walk-up apartment and there were three kids, Lydia, me and our brother Freddy and Freddy had autism. At the time, nothing was available for him. So my mother used to go down the five flights of stairs and take Lydia to kindergarten. So I was left to babysit for Freddy.

So I was four years old and he was one. And so that would have been just really hard for her to do the following year when she'd have to take Lydia and then take me and then come back and then nobody to take care of Freddy. And so that's why I missed kindergarten.

Anyway, so I told the teacher that, I didn't tell the teacher, I guess with gestures and sounds, I made it clear that I could not tie the bow on my hat and she must have done it for me, but I just remember feeling lost and sort of mute because I was at that moment.